From Me to ********@**********.org:

Hello,

I am a certified hot tub repair technician and would be happy to help fix your hot tub. Please let me know if you are still looking for someone.

Thanks,

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

How much will you charge to fix it?

Ellen

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

It seems like a simple fix, but it will be time consuming. I could charge you money, but I am more interested in barter, if you are willing to hear me out.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

What are you looking to barter?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

All I want in return for fixing your hot tub is to let me use it occasionally when I am on a date.

I find it much easier to get chicks from the bar to come back to my place if I tell them I have a hot tub. The problem is, I live in a basement apartment and do not have a hot tub. Hot tubs are great for getting chicks drunk; something about drinking in a hot tub makes them get completely shitfaced without even knowing it. I don't know the science behind it, but it is a proven fact that bitches get more drunk in a hot tub. Before you know it, these chicks are passed out drunk and ready to fuck.

Don't worry, I won't need to use your house or anything when I get my fuck on; I usually just bang them in the back of my truck and drop them off at a McDonalds.

So basically, in return for fixing your hot tub, all I ask is that you let me use it for 2-3 hours about four or five times a week.

Please let me know if this sounds fair to you.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Absolutely not. Are you joking?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

Why not? I promise I won't pee in the hot tub. If I accidentally do, I promise I will add extra chlorine to balance out the urine levels. I won't shit in your hot tub either. If I have to take a shit, I'll do it in your bushes. Shit makes for great fertilizer.

Please help me out here. I can't use the old hot tub I used to go to because I was informed that I would be arrested if I stepped foot on that property again. I assure you I will have your hot tub running like new once I fix it.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

The concern of you pissing in my hot tub didnt even cross my mind, but I'm just going to add that to the list of reasons why I am against this. Most importantly - I will not let some creep bring women back to my house to rape them in my hot tub!

From Me to Ellen ******:

Whoa there, who said anything about rape? This is purely consensual.

From Ellen ****** to Me:

You said you wait until they pass out to have sex with them!

From Me to Ellen ******:

In the state of Pennsylvania, the law states that if you can get the girl back to a hot tub, it is considered to be sexual consent.

Look Helen, I'm just trying to fix your hot tub. Not get a lecture on ethics. Do you want your hot tub fixed or not?

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Not by you, you creep! and my name is ELLEN not Helen, you fuck!

From Me to Ellen ******:

My apologies, Ellen. I assumed you had made a typo when writing out your name. Now how about answering my question?

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Go fuck yourself, loser.